Thank you Mr Claus,
for coming to this Select Committee Your necessary presence,
is truly quite a pity
The first point of order,
is to simply gather facts,
All about the nature,
of your government contracts
You have received a lot,
of precious tax-payer pounds For continuing to deliver
the yearly Christmas rounds,
Yet we have been informed,
that things aren’t what they seem Could you start by enlightening us, what do these contracts mean?
A Ho-Ho-Ho to you all,
and a merry Christmas cheer
I hope the right Honourable members,
are feeling extra jolly this year
The job that I take on,
with the government’s investment
Is to simply make sure,
that every child gets a present
This job is commendable,
that can be of no doubt
It is most imperative,
that no child goes without
But some of your claims,
must be thrown into question
So we will start with the one,
that most garnered our attention
Every child gets a gift
but you only work one night,
Even with a flying sleigh,
that must be cutting it tight
Are you saying it's unethical,
to deliver holiday gifts
It is called efficiency,
Is it wrong to be so swift?
I believe you are avoiding,
the crux of my enquiry
Why are we paying millions,
for one day in your diary?
It isn’t just for Santa,
but for all my little elves
It is as clear as crystal,
you aren’t only paying for myself
So you say this public contract,
is worked tax-free overseas
And still we are not sure,
that it meets the public needs
There are also many reports,
that you do not pay your staff
A typical Ho Ho Ho?
or are you having us for a laugh?
I conduct my business away,
from the British Isles
All the workplace legislation,
would back me up for miles
It is not my fault,
I am a victim of the system
My treatment of the elves,
is just common business wisdom
Our laws aren’t optional,
as well you should know
That you can’t wish away human (or elf) rights,
with a simple Ho Ho Ho
For all these poor excuses,
and boorish festive gushing
It remains you were paid,
for producing nothing
Many cases have been shared that, Santa Claus never came
Parents force to make believe,
that you were not to blame
I put it to you Santa Claus,
that this arrangement now has to stop
You aren’t delivering presents,
you're too busy selling pop!
I warn you that I’m revered,
all across the nation
Must I also remind you,
about my annual party donation
I’m sorry but this story,
has grown well beyond our control The public is incensed,
by their yearly Christmas toll
They have paid far too much,
for things that don’t exist
I’m sorry Santa Claus,
you're on the naughty list.
Robert Gammon-Ross 08/12/2022
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